Pastors: This ones for you… and I need your feedback…
One of the driving factors behind BTS is to create space for a ‘hand-off’ to take place between ministries like, Pink Cross, and the local church. At Pink Cross, we will have hundreds of men coming to us each month, and we are able to walk with them to a certain point in the healing process from pornography. After that point, it is really important for them to find love and acceptance within a Community of Believers that will walk with them the next mile or two.
As I have meals with groups of pastors, I will explain this ‘hand-off’ element, and will get many nod’s and ‘right-ons’. But what follows next is pretty standard, and a great point of discussion:
If I welcome this gentleman and his family into our fellowship with a desire to help him take the next steps, what do I do for him?
The harvest of those disgusted with themselves because of the pornography in their lives is a big one. But, if our Churches don’t have the tools that they need to bring the harvest in, and see good fruit… fear and frustration may follow.
This summer, I am working on a handbook that will be available for download, and a copyright that is like this: the right to copy. This handbook is going to be designed for a face to face mentoring relationship between a pastor or other caring individual, and the person fighting for their life because of pornography. The phases look like this:
I’m hoping to discuss phase one in this post.
My question for all you potential mentors is this:
How do you keep a grace and mercy filled atmosphere present in a series of conversations when you are helping someone examine:
- the devastation that has come to their life because of pornography?
- the framework of temptation that they may allow to be in their life?
- the inner stirring or emotional urges that may lead to clicking over to their favorite porn stars website?
If you would rather send me an email with our thoughts on these issues, rather than leave a comment, please send them to chadwick@breakthesilence.me.
Thanks for being a part of the healing and recovery for thousands of men and their families.
Grace and mercy amidst these conversations is paramount for transformation. The person entangled in pornography feels intense shame which often drives the individual further into addiction.
Though it takes great humility, the mentor should realize how real and how simple the possibility for himself to fall into such a place. A firm grasp of the mentor’s own frailty and depravity must temper these conversations for grace and mercy to abound. If someone cannot arouse empathy for those struggling with porn, I would recommend they avoid mentoring altogether until they allow God to place within them the heart of Christ, which looked upon the people with compassion, like sheep without a shepherd.
Chad,
Like what you are doing. I think the “accountability” factor really needs some work in many churches. Grace and mercy are very important and are often left out when “accountability” looks more like a visit to the probation office.
Genuine accountability mirrors real relationship. It is a give and take. Being in a relationship with someone who simply “monitors” your life is not a Biblical model. The Bible speaks to mutual relationships not “one up – one down” relationships. Look at Paul and Philemon. Paul modeled a relationship of relational equality even though he recognized he might could “order” Philemon around. He knew that would be of no ultimate benefit.
Finally, grace and mercy occur best in community. People who view pornography has deep relational wounds hence the healing will require relationships. Accountability that is “one on one” or for that matter “virtual” is simply not enough to bring about the level of healing that will be longlasting. A group setting provides the most genuine grace and mercy we can experience.